What I've Learnt

I can't believe it has been so long since my last blog post! Time seems to have slipped away from me.

I have learnt a lot about myself over the last 10 months. I have started seeing clients on my placement at College and I feel I am finally begining to get somewhere. It took a while for my placement to get started and I was really worried that I was so behind compared to everyone else in the class. There were people who had done nearly half their required hours when I had done hardly any.

I got off to a shaky start and really doubted myself. Now things are going well. I mentioned my reservations to my supervisor. She said when she was traing she was one of the last to get going with placements. The other people who had done loads of hours ended up burning out and not finishing the course.

It is an important lesson, life is not a race. I am always comparing myself to others, I need to invest that time and energy into myself.

Life

I have been absent for quite a while, sorry about that! Life has been ticking along and lots of positive things have happened. I have also had moments of crippling anxiety and total despair, those moments have been suffocating and agonising.  I somehow made it through them even though at the time t felt like I never would. There is always hope, you just need to cling on to it. I am thinking of trying medication again to see if it helps with my extreme mood swings and paralysing anxiety. I am hoping the 2018 will be the year I finally get ahold of my mental health and feel some level of 'normality'. I also hope I will finally feel able to deal with situations in a more rational and reasonable frame of mind. Anyway, just thought I would check in, I hope everyone have a lovely Christmas and a happy and healthy 2018! 😊

Toxic Friends

I have been thinking a lot about friendships and their impact on mental health and how having a good support network is vital. I have come to the realization that I tend to attract a certain type of person and I really want to break that habit.  

The kind of person I mean is the one that leaves you feeling emotionally drained after spending  time with them. They suck all of the energy out of you and all they have done is talk. They will often talk over you and quickly bring the conversation back to them.  They basically use you as a sounding board. It occurred to me recently that I know several people like this. I often come away from these interactions thinking this friendship is really one-sided. I need to start being more selective regarding my friendships if I am going to feel the friendship is equal.

I know we all need to just rant at sometimes I do this myself. I think dealing with depression and anxiety relationships that are one-sided can be detrimental to your health. When feeling overwhelmed by dealing with your own issues social interactions need to be enjoyable and as stress free as possible, especially if you deal with social anxiety.  Such relationships tend to take advantage not only of your time, but often in other ways too. Only contacting you when they want something, asking for favours and not reciprocating etc.

I understand that in my training as a counsellor I am going to come across people who present in this way, and in a professional setting I would do my best to help them. From personal experience it is apparent that these interactions are often a signal that they too are struggling in their own way and often do have unhappy lives.  I am not unsympathetic but I need to surround myself with more positive people. It is better to have less people around rather than filling the friendship void with negative people.

Time

Ever since I was in my early 20s I have been obsessed with age. I was very focused on what I wanted to achieve and when I wanted to achieve it by. I was going to spend my 20s building my career and living in the city. My 30s were when I would buy a nice house and settle down. 

I was, and still am, worried I wouldn't meet my goals by my self-imposed time scale. I get really stressed and anxious that I would not get to where I want to be in time.  The constant feeling of pressure I put on myself is stifling and if anything is stopping me from getting anywhere.

I got pregnant when I was 21 it was completely unplanned. I decided to keep the baby. There was a really feeling that I had ruined everything and I knew family were disappointed, as I had “such promise” and had what looked to be a bright future ahead.

I spent my 20s being a single mum and dealing with serious illness in my family and my plans and goals were well and truly derailed.

I saw all my friends getting on in their careers, settling down and buying houses and I felt like giving up as they were all moving forward and I was still and stagnant. This is something I still struggle with especially now I am in my early 30s.

I was at a hen party recently and I didn’t know anyone apart from the bride to be. There were over 20 people and I already felt uncomfortable.  Everyone was talking about getting married, buying houses and moving up the career ladder.  I tried my best to keep asking questions so they didn’t get the chance to ask me about me about myself.  I felt an overwhelming sense of failure as I wasn’t “there” yet.

I took a step back from the situation and thought that this is real life Facebook. People are just giving an edited highlight reel of their lives to people they haven’t met before. I just assumed because they appear to have it all in my eyes that they must have happy perfect lives.

I know a lot of it for me is about other people’s perception of me rather than some burning desire to get married, for example. On some level I have always wanted to fit in and be accepted.  I just want what everyone appears to have, a “normal” stable life, something I felt I never had.

I am trying not get hung up on what I should be doing or have done by now trying to focus on what I have achieved and not what everyone else is doing and what people are thinking. I need to think about what I want and how to achieve it in a realistic time scale. I also need to practice being more present in the moment and stop worrying about the future as all we really have is now.

Update

I have attempted to start writing this post several times. My head just hasn’t been “in it” so to speak. A member of my family has been dealing with serious health issues recently and it has really brought things into perspective.  I know this isn’t a proper post  but I wanted to keep you updated.  I will get back to blogging soon.

Social Media

Your heart rate increases and the adrenaline kicks in, you feel the excitement and anticipation build as you reach for your phone which has just  buzzed with acknowledgment, a new Facebook message, a Like on Twitter and a new Snap chat to view.

There is an increasing need for constant and instant gratification.  Which isn’t good for mental health. The pain of knowing someone has read your message yet they appear to be actively ignoring you. If like me, your mind tends to run away with you then this can be detrimental. In reality the person in question may have a perfectly reasonable  explanation to why they haven’t responded.

 If you are on social media you are potentially accessible 24/7 there is no down time unless you actively log out and turn off your device. It is good to have that  time away from observing other people and what they are doing.

There is a false sense of reality which many people portray, the perfect highlight reel of an immaculate life, filled with family, friends and fun. Every moment documented, and filled with smiles and joy.

This is one of the reasons I hardly ever use Facebook  (or Fakebook as I like to call it !) It is so false, surely no-one’s life is that good all of the time.  It can be depressing to see everyone doing so well and being so happy that your sense of self worth and self esteem take a nosedive and are slowly obliterated.

There is also Cyber bullying , this ties in with what I was talking about earlier. This does not just affect kids and young people but they do seem to be primary targets. The fact people are accessible all the time. If you were getting bullied at school for example you could at least have a break overnight while you were at home, there was a little bit of respite. But now with most people having access to social media on their phones then the bullies are potentially always with them.

I do not think all social media is bad, but you need to have a balance and a reality check.  There is a lot of support online for mental health, twitter in particular has a supportive mental health community. This can be invaluable if you don’t feel able to talk to those closest to you or you just don’t feel able to get out and about. Having someone to talk to who more often than not understands how you are feeling can be really helpful.

I am aware of the irony that I will  use social media to share this blog post. I think that when  your mental health is involved you need to be careful about how you use social media as it could do more harm than good.

Criticism

Not everyone is going to like what you do, this is a realization that I am finally having. Since starting this blog I hadn’t written anything for four years. Partly due to being busy with work, family etc but mostly due to the fact I was scared. The fear has been stifling my creativity.  I am not very good at taking criticism, depending on my mood at the time I fluctuate between defensive and devastated.

If you grew up being criticized or bullied then these feelings can become engrained, the nagging sense that no matter how hard you try you won’t be good enough.

I still struggle with it now. I go into panic mode and worry about getting everything right so much so that it is detrimental. I will spend too long trying to perfect something and get told off for taking too long. I make a rash decision and it ends up being wrong because I didn't want to take too long, when in fact I should have thought it through. Even what would appear to be simple tasks can feel like trying to climb Everest.  I recognise it is ridiculous, I am often having that rational internal dialogue whilst fighting with myself trying not to fail.

Being a people pleaser is my default setting, I don’t like conflict and want to get on with everyone all the time. This is not realistic I know. I am trying to be braver and take criticism constructively and to stand up for myself and not just conform to keep the peace. I hope one day I will be able to function without second guessing every decision I make, I’m working on it, I guess you just have to keep trying and eventually you will overcome the hurdle.